Let me preface this by saying that I realize we don't have real problems in life compared to what so many people face. Our situations are in no way dire.....but my experiences lately have gotten me thinking a lot about others facing much worse. If I worry and have anxiety......how much more do they. If the thought that something could be wrong wreaks havoc on my psyche....how much more does it do to those who know something is very wrong.
Mortality hits us all in the face every time we hear a sad story about "someone else"...........a young dad killed in a car crash, a new mom with cancer, a child with something horrific, a loss of a pregnancy......all things that rip your heart out and also cause you to guard your heart just a bit so that you can get out of bed in the morning and face another day.
As I've been to appointment after appointment lately for Ilsa and myself.............as I walk around the clinic now........I see the patients in a new light. I see the tired and worried eyes of the people I pass. I know the fears behind the worry. I know what it's like to have the tech run off with a "I'll just show this to the radiologist" all non-chalantly.......oh crap. I know what it's like to plead with God for good news. To try not to cry at appointments because you know it will waste the precious time you have to ask questions. To hope that the doctor you see is un-hurried and kind. That they would ask how you're doing with everything....and have time to listen to the answer. That they would understand your experience somehow in your short time together.
I'm ready to be the nurse, and not the patient, again. I will go back to work in a few weeks with a new perspective on caring for my patients. A fresh dose of compassion for those I have the privelidge of caring for. I was a bit burnt out before my leave and this time off has been good for my soul. I want to try to remember to be present every day with every encounter....it could make or break someones day. To be sweet and gentle....to be un-rushed (even though I am). To see the weary eyes and to ask....instead of not.
I've been reminded that God is in control! We can worry and worry and it doesn't make too much difference (except in our mental health). "Rest and know that I am God". Rest. I've been reminded that God is mighty.....if he can raise Jesus from the dead, surely he can deal with our problems. I've been reminded that I can plead whatever case with him but if it's not in his will.......then we bend our knee to his will. " He will work all things for good for those who believe". Believe. I've been reminded that he's built in me amazing faith over the years and I should be sharing it. "Do not hide your light under a clay jar". Let your light (God) shine through.
One of my favorite hymns (and also what I also sing to Ilsa in the middle of the night) comes to mind:
'Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
look full in his wonderful face,
and the things of life will grow strangely dim,
in the light of his glory and grace.........'
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